I came home. And Alex walked in my room to tell me that he fucked Audrey again.

I've pretty much decided that I want to move out.

There's no way to fix this.

I can't change his mind about shit. it's completely up to him and he's stubborn as fuck.

But, my god...he will miss me when I'm gone.

I cried on stage last night.

Fuck. me.

the most awkward thing ever.

I think I handled it well. I just.... fuckkkkkk.

You can't be honest like that and then expect not to get hit full force by a song you wrote for closure. Especially when things are anything but closed.

Girls are awkward. I only like the ones I still talk to.


Which is only Jackie and Lacey and a few other acquaintances.

But mostly....they are awkward.

Too many people confronted me today just to tell me that I’m “too talented to waste my time in school.” I guess I never wanted to be one of those people who thought so highly of themselves that they felt a backup plan wasn’t in order. After all, I know plently of people who are hell-bent on being musicians when every one else around them seems to know that it won’t actually happen. I mean, it’s one thing to be a musician. It’s another thing to be a successful musiciian. The kind that doesn’t need a plan. The kind that relies solely on talent and luck. I’m not so sure I’m that kind of musician. I’m not so sure I shouldn’t be in school sucking the life out of financial aid and ensuring that this economy doesn’t eat my starving artist soul alive. I’m not so sure of anything except that I’m having a totally unreal panick attack at 6am and I don't have the heart to wake up my boyfriend.

To be honest, I want to put my contacts in, grab my stuff, get dressed, get in my car, and drive until I run out of gas. But I'm going home today....and I need that gas to get me to my mother who always seems to knock the drama right out of me.

I need that. This is my quarter life crisis. (or so I keep hearing).

I need some rainbow cookies and manic panic, stat.

It's so awkward to feel this way.
I don't play the part of vulnerable very well. When I was in summit they really pushed for vulnerability because what I think it really means is to be "easily swayed". In that case, you were easily swayed in order to blow all your money on help you could have found in doing something more productive. Granted, the experience itself changed my entire perspective ( I'm not entirely sure it was for the better ). But the thing is, that now whenever I feel like I might be vulnerable, I think someone is going to take advantage of me. I mean, It makes sense. It's not very often that I doubt myself or the choices I make. Anyone that knows me knows that. So why not get in there and make some tweaks while you can?

I see it happening but I don't even have the energy to tell anyone to back off. In fact, I feel like things are happening so fast that I'm just clinging on to anything seemingly stable.

It's like I forgot that compassion and love go hand in hand.

I've had my hands full for a while.

what the fucking ever..... I made 3 times the effort to keep in touch with you.


Don't ask me how I'm measuring that. I'm not responsible for all the ties. It's a two-way situation...and if you're pissed because I keep in touch with my other friends...its because they made the same effort I made, if not more.

50/50 would be nice.

But lets not shit ourselves.

I was far more invested in this than you ever were.
And I don't know exactly when you checked out...but I'm dying to know where I went wrong.


I always seem to get what I'm asking for. It's just usually past the time that I wanted it. This time I wanted it and it conflicted with another want, to be focused on what it is that I ultimately want.

So guess what wins here...

Apparently, if I'm in control of the situation that you'll cop out and come back when I'm so content that I don't want it anymore.

This really isn't all that cryptic. But that again it's in front of your face. And even if I did...and I did. Spell it out.

You still don't get it.

what is it that you want?

I don't say anything.
If you want something. You ask.

I never want to sound like I'm needy or controlling or whatever.
I guess I shouldn't generalize as much as I do. Apparently, everyone doesn't want the same thing. Apparently, being human isn't anything like they say it is.

I was really bored at work today and started reading about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. I don't entirely buy it. There's exceptions to everything and I think because everyone tries so hard to be an exception, it's pretty much outdated.

I'm pretty sure people are much more selfish today than they've ever been at any point in history. Not to say that I'm not selfish. I'm probably just as bad. I know I am.

We did generation x & y lectures in class 2 semesters ago and talked about how people in our generation are really desensitized because we have so much information at our fingertips. Because we can watch the news, turn it off, and go on with our lives completely unaffected by a tsunami that wipes out a few million people.

Because we can watch children starve and complain that our boyfriends/girlfriends don't pay enough attention to us.

It's kind of catch 22. I want to be left wide open and completely susceptible to absolute love and complete heartbreak. But I don't want to be so self centered and caught up in my own "feelings" to not pay enough attention to what's going on around me. I know there's not much I can do. And I know that we walk around only allowing ourselves to feel just enough sympathy to be able to function in our own lives.

But I'd like to feel anything lately, that isn't just the side affect of a pill or some unrequited emotion I had to look for and analyze with a professional.

Can't blame him for everything. After all, he never sat me down and said "I want you to shut down".

In fact, I'm pretty sure he did everything he could to keep me bleeding.


That sounds terribly morbid. But I don't mean that in a sappy emo way. I mean it literally and figuratively.

I guess you could say it's like a car accident. When people break their bones, they go into shock. Only I never really came out of it and I don't know if I can't remember what it feels like, I'm too afraid to try it, or I just know it's a better idea to function on autopilot.

Someone once told me "You can slay dragons all your life but you're not brave unless you can wake up in the morning and love world again. "

I'd like to wake up in the morning and love the world again.
In fact, new resolution.

I feel like Cory from Boy Meets World.

or Sean. I can't decide. It's kind of backwards because I up and left before any of my friends did. I up and left before people that graduated before did. I left my best friend behind. Kind of. I still talked to her everyday when I left but I definitely took off as soon as I was able.

And now she's leaving and I'm so proud of her...but I'm sad. Because when I come home to visit my family and friends she'll be in Georgia. But she doesn't need me around like she used to anymore because she has her counterpart...and for that, I'm especially grateful.

I feel like she's always going to be in good hands. And I'm confident that she knows what she's doing and she's going to great at whatever it is that she chooses to do with her life.

It's so weird to see them together sometimes. I get this really weird sensation...like hope and hopelessness all at the same time. Like I want what they have but I know I would never know what to do with it. I don't accept gifts like that as gracefully as Jackie does. I just find some way to look at it and go..."I dont deserve this"....or "I deserve better"....or "this isn't what I thought it would be"....or "I bet if he had the choice between me and a years supply of beer, I'd be out of the picture".


I don't know if anyone would ever drop whatever they were doing to be with me like Dogan left Boston to be with Jackie. But I'm glad he did...because I can't think of many people who deserve that kind of love more than her. And I can't think of anybody who deserves my best friend more than Dogan.

Generally,if you don't know what's going on it doesn't matter.
If you do. You know that you control it and once you figure that out... It's cake from there on. So they apply the rules. Which are in essence that there is at least thing you do that has a consequence that is nothing short of universal. Got it. BUT...way to pick a shitty topic. Way to pick something that really fucks with a lot more than the universe. Talk about direct. Talk about humiliating. Talk about confusing. Then again, what's confusing? Other than the fact that we don't want to admit that it's really that easy.

ok.

So great. So what? So I play along with this for how long?
Will it ever turn off? Or are you just going to laugh at me while I fuck with the fuse-box attempting to fix it?

and if that's the case. Fuck you. Get down here.

I feel like I"m always trying to prove myself. And for what? Space?

I'm proving myself for space. infinite space. forever.

You can't pay your rent because you were unemployed for 2 weeks at the same job you're working at now?

Wait...Dont you mean you can't pay your rent because you spent all your money on alcohol?

I love when people lie to me about things like that. I really do. Do they think I'm going to judge the people who kicked them out of their apartments because they didn't pay rent? lay of the drugs scumfuck.


Anyway, Amanda Moved in with me and I feel so much better about being here. So . much. better. I feel like I have things to look forward to every day when she's around.

Thank goodness. I need that in my life.

I'm basically an advice columnist.

go ahead ask me something, I'll give you some really bad advice you can take to heart and thank me for later when you realize it happened for a reason.

did it?

I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't breathe.


I'm not in love though...


It's just the flu.


But in all seriousness, I'm so close to happiness I can almost taste it. I'm literally one song away from having the very worst of my chest and on to paper. However, this is completely terrifying because if I write this song...it could very well be the death of me.


and the birth of a much happier, confused, and artisticly inept version of myself.


shit.